Me vs. Spidey

The other day, I drove home during my lunch break to make a quick meal and do a few things around the house. While my Smart Ones warmed to perfection in the microwave, I decided to do a speedy clean-up of the kitchen area. I mean, what else was I going to do in the 2:30-2:45 minutes it takes to bring my delicious 5-star panini to a simmer?

I started by throwing away all the mail we get from the previous renters. Yes, I know this may be illegal or something, but I've tried to send the mail back and they won't take it from our mailbox. I'm actually getting a little concerned since some of it reads "Final Notice of Payment" or "Open Immediately: Urgent Account Information". Looks like the priors took off leaving some collectors in the lurch. I'm just waiting for the day when the Boss Man shows up at my door with diamond studded brass knuckles wanting to know where Don Shallen is. Hello, Nightmares.

When I hear the DING!, I grab the food out of the mic, eat it (it was kinda cold in the middle - as per norm), and then turn to throw the box and paper towel away in the trash can. There, sitting on the mail I threw away just moments before, was a giant spider, just staring at me. Now, it's your average sized Rubbermaid kitchen trash can... and it was full to the brim. This meant I couldn't just shove my lunch trash on top of it and close it quickly. I decided to just hit the shit out of it with my Smart Ones box. However, after doing so I realized I had now lost visual of this eight-legged creature. For some reason, I was overwhelmed by this great feeling of fear. My heart rate went up and I found myself instinctively crouching down slightly, as if ready to run for my life if this spider transformed into the Hulk.

So you're probably trying to get a visual of this spider. Unfortunately, by describing it I'm going to subject myself to being dubbed a silly little girl. It was about the size of a dime, BUT it was one of those spiders that wasn't all legs. It had a lot of meat to it - looked like it might work out in its free time.

Back to story: Since the trash is full, and mainly because I didn't want the spider loose in my house, I decided to take it out. I couldn't close it up with it being so full unless I put my hands where Spidey could attack. I opened up the front door, then scooted the trash can - Spidey and all - to right outside the front door. After I grab my purse and keys, I head out the door to take the trash to the back and then return to the work.

The spider had other plans.

He was now sitting on top of the Smart Ones box, facing me. I moved a little to the side, he moved to face me. I'm standing at my front door with the glass door closed, watching this little creature and waiting for him to crawl down the trash and back into the wild. At this point, it's taken me twenty some minutes from my first encounter with him. I need to get back to work, so I grab a dishtowel and just wack the crap out of the top of the trash can only to find that Spidey quickly sneak under a few trash items. SHIT! It is now obvious to me that this thing is actually after me.

I finally had a great idea. I went back to the kitchen and grabbed another trash bag. I quickly and surreptitiously place the new bag over and around the entire trashcan. Then I grab it on the edge and drag the can to the big green outdoor can we have. After lifting the kitchen trashcan up and shaking it from the ends, I was finally able to dump the trash out... spider and all. Quite the effing ordeal if you ask me.

Tomorrow is trash day. I'm pretty sure that damn spider is still in there...biding it's time. I've taken trash out two times since this unfortunate event, and both times I was fully prepared for Spidey to be there (and in my nightmares he had grown ten times his tiny size) waiting for the kill...